My emotions right now consist of the following.

    - confused

    - discouraged.

    - worthless

    - lonely

    - lost

    - hurt

    I'm just confused on what it is that Im lacking, maybe it's just figuring out who I am, but I thought I knew who that person was once. There are so many things that have been running through my mind lately and I don't know what to do about them. I feel like I'm not the same person who I used to be; who could make the one I love laugh, and want to be with me. Maybe I've lost something within myself. Maybe it was supposed to happen, for good or bad, I don't know. I just know from things that have happened lately I can't give this certain someone myself, I want to, more than anything I would want to and I'm TRYING to, but it seems that what I have isn't good enough, or is lacking there of. 

i hate work.

some things in life make me happy:

1. bottle caps [ the candy ] [[ cause i'm a junk food fanatic ]]

2. car!!!!!!!!!!

3. my cupcakes.

4. red pop.

some of the things that confuse me:

1. NEW FOUND GLORY'S new music. [ it's good! ]

2. love.

3. my life.

4. why i'm doing this.

yea.

i'm getting a new phone.

but not until september,

so this story really had no meaning.

nick's leaving on friday.

:[

i'm going to south hills sunday.

this is random, and my life.

BYE.

I don't understand why I doubt my feeling from time to time, but I guess that it just takes time to realize what you have. I realize that it is okay for me to be worried about things turning out the way they were before but that doesn't mean that I should doubt how much I care for someone. I get that now and I couldn't be any happier. 

I'm 17, I'm allowed to be confused!    :]

SO... last night my one and only babe hung out. I've missed her for so long & we get to hang out tomarrow night again at Jimmy's bonfire!  :] I love her to death, SHE GETS ME. yay!  I'll edit with pics sometime, or just go to my myspace to see.  :]  http://www.myspace.com/x_thisdesiredbliss_x

So, today I saw Logan for the first time this summer! He's honestly one of my BEST friends. I have 3 best friends, Kay Babe, Logan & Jimmy. But anyways, I finally got to chill with him & he's comming to my show on Sat!!!  :]  Thanks buddy, love ya.  :]

& after that Jimmy came over and we swam until 10. NUFF SAID.

I LOVE THAT BOY MORE THAN I COULD EVER BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN TO ANYONE, & I'M NOT GOING TO DO SOMETHING TO MESS THAT UP. I HAVE WHAT I WANT, WHAT I NEED.  I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART.

EVERYONE COME TO MY SHOW ON THE 22nd AT WEST ALEXANDER'S MIDDLE SCHOOL.  12pm, 6 DOLLARS, & 14 BANDS!!!    YAY!

could this get anymore confusing?

So if things couldn't get anymore confusing, well, for me, it just DOES.

I know that I'm in love, there is no way that I'm not. In the past almost 2 years, I've gotten to know my best friend since 8th grade. I guesss you could say that we dated off and on for about a year. He was just always the guy that I wanted to be with, the guy that I considered my best friend. & I guess you could say that the third times the charm casue we've been dating ever since. Yea, there's def. been our times when things just weren't working and I don't think that we would be together today if we both didn't care as much as we dis and still do. I have so much love inside my heart for this boy, I care so much about him, I never thought I could love this much. I never thought that I had these feelings inside. I know myself a lot more now, I've changed SO much, and I think that if it wasn't for this boy I wouldn't be where I am today, he's brought out the best AND the worst in me, & I can honestly say it's made me such a better person. The only thing that I'm confused about is wether or not I should be with someone as long as I am with how young I am. I'm always hearing that I should be dating around, and meeting other people, but inside I know that I can change the way that I feel. I'm just confused. I couldn't love him any less than I do right now, it's just not possible. I'm just confused, that's all.

Now about my other lover. haha. :]  KAYLA ANN SUCCOP. I love this girl. SHE KNOWS ME, she understands JORDAN, and I love that. I miss her so much, we haven't been able to spend much time together this summer because of work and what not, which KILLS ME. I have to say that last summer was THE BEST time of my life, and a lot of it was from kay, she is the best friend that ANYONE would want, she listens, she knows what to say at the right tim, she knows how to LIVE LIFE and just make the best out of everything and I miss her. No one has ever understood me quite like kay, Jimmy is getting there! But seriously, the things that me and kay have went through is unreal and I couldn't give that up for anything, I just miss her so much, and I want things to be like there were because everything is different now, i'm just not as happy as I used to be and thats all I want. Is for things to be like they were, or at least better than they are right now.

Kayla, I love you girl, you are my BESTEST friend. I love you with all of my heart.

Jimmy, I love you sweetheart, so much that I could never love someone else this much. NEVER. I LOVE YOU.

I can't help it.

hmm.

wow. I don't even know what to say! It's been so long since I've used this but I figured I needed a space to write, a space to think and I know that VERY few people will read. Anyways, it's UNBELIEVABLE how much I have changed as a person. I've never been able to see it in myself, maybe that means that I haven't changed, or changed this dramatically, but I've seen this different person inside evolve. I went through one of the hardest times of my life and I think I'm about to enter that stage once again.

I just found out that my mom has lung cancer and most people would think with the relationship I have with my mother that it wouldn't really effect me but it has, in a BIG way. I don't know what to say to her because she doesn't know that I know about the cancer. Even all of the things that we've been through, [and only my closest friend and my love know], I couldn't imagine not loving her. Even though inside, I have this desire to leave and erase most of the memories of us, I can't bring myself to not love her, and with her having cancer it makes it that much harder.

I'm also going through a lot of things with my future right now. I feel as if I should be out of highschool, I want to be in college, and yes, what I deal with here probably has a huge influence why I want to be away. I guess that all in all I want something different and something better because I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I need the respect that I will never be able to have here. I need out og washington pa!